The end!

Well, I’ve been off of my blog for a while now.  I had complications with the pregnancy and a scare and finally a miscarriage.  The middle of October I had some spotting and then finally on November 2nd my body wasn’t holding the pregnancy any more, so I had to deliver at 19 weeks and 3 days.  Twenty tree days have passed, and I don’t feel any better, not that I should.  In my mind this was going to be my final pregnancy and now I’m forced to face the facts, that it is, but I didn’t get to bring a baby home with me.  I went to the doctor for my ultrasound, and I knew something was wrong.  I had pain during the night and it was hard for me to sleep.  The ultrasound showed that the cerclage was still there, butt he membranes were coming down.  I was told to go to the hospital and meet my doctor there.  She examined me and told me that there is nothing they could do, they needed to take the stitches out.  I was taken to the OR where I was given a spinal and an epidural r prep me for the delivery later.  It was all so surreal….I couldn’t breather, I couldn’t believe that this was happening again.  After the stitches were taken out, I was taken to a labor and delivery room.  I stayed there until contractions started naturally and then 8 hours and 58 minutes later at 10:58pm, I delivered a baby girl.  An innocent, too young to live baby girl.  I held that baby for hours, lifeless on my chest.  The last time I would hold my baby.  I felt and feel like I failed.  I did try everything, but did I do the right things?  Did I move too much, get up too much?  Stress to much?

How could I do this?  How could this happen to us again?  A fourth failed pregnancy!  My daughter will be alone?  She won’t have a brother or a sister?  I’ve never seen a child so excited for a sibling…not caring for a boy or girl, just someone to love and be with and be loves by.  Why did this happen?  How can I go on knowing that this is so final…….

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