Dealing with loss during pregnancy…

I haven’t really talked to much about losing my mom, I guess I feel like things went by so fast.  Well, first off after 10 years of being married I was pregnant with my daughter.  My mom was so excited for me, and she had been waiting for this moment as much as we had.  We had this all planned out.  My mom would move back from Greece and stay with us to help us take care of my daughter.  Well things didn’t go as planned…my mom came to the states when I was 7 month pregnant, I went to see her at the airport when she had a layover, she was going to stay with my brother in Florida for a month and then come back to NJ.  I wish I had some sort of inclination that, that would be the last time I would see my mom.  I remember it clear as day, torrential downpours, took 3 trains to get to the airport, but I saw my mom.  She was in FL for a week and had a massive heart attack.  The doctors were able to revive her but she had a lot of damage.  She was fine 3 days later and I was able to speak to her very briefly, she didn’t want me to fly, and my doctor didn’t want me to put myself in that situation either.  She said “you take care of that baby”. My mom’s health was deteriorating day by day, one day good one day bad.  I would speak to my bother every hour and go from crying to being hopeful, etc.  The time came where we had to make a decision, because my mom’s kidneys had completely failed.  So August 15, 2011 my mom Maria passed away.  I was pregnant, sad, inconsolable and all these thoughts were going through my head…did I do enough, should I have gone down to see her even though the doctor said no, I should have been there.  I don’t know if I really did anything right, I will never feel like I did.  I do feel though, that there is some significance in when my mom passed away.  As tradition has it, my daughter is named after my mom Maria.  My mom passed away on her name day, which is also my daughters name day.  A big day of celebration in the Greek culture.  I feel like my mom would’t have wanted me to be sad on the day day she passed, as it’s also the day we celebrate my daughter.  It’s so twisted how things happen, but I feel it has meaning.  Being pregnant and going through something like that is terrifying, people say you need to stay in control, don’t cry or cry and let it all out.  Don’t stress yourself out…how is that even possible?  I am grateful for one thing, I got to see my mom for an hour and she got to see her daughter pregnant.  After all those years, maybe both our dreams came true……

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